For the Confused Gentleman.

I wrote a post recently containing some suggestions, to both genders, about being straightforward and honest in social settings. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, it got a few women considerably piqued. I invited one of those girls, who was quite critical of my post, to write a post of her own offering some suggestions and advice from girls to us single men.

This is her response. I would love to get some feedback from all of you. Ladies, is this an accurate representation of what you would want to tell guys? Guys, what are your thoughts on these suggestions from the ladies?

So I present to you:

For the Confused Gentleman

I don't think many guys understand girls.

But let’s be honest, we barely understand ourselves.

Hey girl. I'm confused.

Girls are moody, confusing, dramatic, crazy, loving, protective, etc. we could go on for days finding words to describe ourselves because girls, well, we are a little bit of everything, and that’s what makes us so great.

But because of our absolute greatness, and our intense changes in mood and character, we tend to be a bit confusing to the opposite sex. So, out of the goodness of my heart, I have decided to give you a list of things that most women (notice that I say most not all) would like men to know and do.

1. When you have the opportunity to open the door for girls, do it! Car doors. House doors. ANY
DOORS. This is usually the first thing a girl will notice. On occasion you will find that we will tell
you not to worry about it, to this I say: Girls, be kind and let them get the door for you! Don’t
take chivalry for granted.

2. Whether you are dating or not, walk us to the door or watch us in your car till we get inside. If
we drove home ourselves, call or text us to make sure we made it home okay. Girls like feeling
safe.

3. Use beautiful, pretty, gorgeous, stunning or lovely when describing how we look. These are the
kinds of words that will make us smile and feel our best. Be careful with words such as: cute,
adorable, sexy or hot. I'm not saying don't ever use them, just be careful with them. You might
be trying to make us feel good, but these words tend to be demeaning and rude when used in
the wrong context or with the wrong person.

4. Don’t be afraid to text us first. Like with everything else we prefer guys to make the first move,
but we understand that with texting it’s almost impossible to know what’s really going on.
Without seeing facial expressions or hearing the other person’s voice, texting could easily
be compared to learning a new language. If we seem standoffish or short in our texts, it’s
usually because we aren’t interested. Girls tend to be too nice in these situations and not as
straightforward as we should be. If you are wondering if you should keep pursuing us, ask us.
Sometimes questioning the situation can be really helpful. We have found that we are more
willing to be honest and open about things when we are asked.

5. Along with texting, when you ask us out on dates please call us or ask us in person. I know it’s a bit more nerve racking, but we like that old fashioned stuff! Plus, it’s harder for us to say no.

6. Remember, no matter how tough we pretend to be, we are girls and we are fragile. If we are
hitting, punching, kicking, flicking, etc. it is because we are flirting, not because we want you to
do it back. We prefer to be tickled over being punched.

7. Please feel free to share deep thoughts and experiences with us. It makes us feel close to you
and lets us know that you trust us.

8. If you go out of your way to do an act of service for us, get us flowers, write us a little note or buy us our favorite candy bar just because you were ‘thinking about us’ you will make our day. We don't need extravagant gifts! It’s really the simple things that make us happy.

9. BE A GOOD LISTENER. I cannot stress this one enough. If a girl is telling you something, it is because it’s important to her. Make what’s important to her, important to you.

10. PLEASE do us all a favor and check your nose, teeth, and face before you go out with us.
Personal hygiene is VERY important to girls. We are not your mothers and we do not want to
have to tell you that you have a booger in your nose.

11. When taking us out always plan on a 5-15 minute waiting period when you come to pick us
up. 95% of the time we are late is because we want to look our best for you! Girls take hours
primping, perfecting and stressing about how we look and hoping we can be ready on time.
When we are behind schedule, don't be mad, don't make us feel rushed and make sure to
compliment how we look. Remember, we really are trying our best.

12. If you are planning on taking us out, dress the part. Get a button up and wear some cologne. To
us, that shows that you really care. As girls we are constantly getting dressed up for you, so we
will be impressed if you do the same for us!

13. Here’s a little secret: girls compete with other girls. If you go out of your way to show us that
we are the most important person, it will make us feel more special than you will ever know. It
also makes us more confident in ourselves and in our relationship with you.

14. We don't like to spell things out for guys, if we look cold, give us your jacket. If our glass is
empty, fill it up. Try to be aware of what’s going on around you, and do it without being asked.
It will show us that you really care. GIRLS, please don't take their chivalry for granted! Take their
jacket when it’s offered and let them fill up your glass. If guys are going out of their way to be
gentlemen, we should in turn be gracious women.

15. Let us take care of you. We love our guys to be the hero, but we want to feel like we can be your
heroine. You don't have to be the big tough guy ALL the time.

16. When we say we are ‘fine’ we are not fine. Fine means that we are about to explode with one
emotion or another. At this point in time don't push it. The best thing to do in this situation is to
be there for us and realize we need a minute or two to calm down. We will let you know when
we are ready to talk.

17. Girls are emotional roller coasters. We can be happy and then sad in a matter of minutes.

Surprisingly accurate..

Anything you say or do can set us off. Sometimes we can't control our emotions as well as we'd like, sometimes we don’t know that we are being irrational. If we get out of line emotionally, please be sympathetic and calm. Realize that you can help us recognize we are being out of line, but in a kind way. Ask if you can do anything for us. If you can talk to us about it and be understanding that we are emotional, it makes everything a lot easier.

18. We like it when guys do things that we love to do, even if it’s something they don't enjoy doing. If you show up and have fun because you know it’s something we love, it will mean the world to us! In turn we will be sure to do things that you love. We like balance in our relationships. If you want us to try something new that you really enjoy doing, plan on doing something we enjoy the next time. (Ex. It’s okay to get pedicures and manicures if it makes your girl happy!)

19. If we don't know what we want to eat, or what we want to do, PLEASE don't say ‘well, you pick.’ Give us options! When you say ‘where do you want to eat/what do you want to do?’ our minds
think of EVERYTHING POSSIBLE so it really stresses us out. I promise that when you give us
options everything will go a lot smoother. It will help us know what sounds good to you and will
help narrow down our playing field. Decisions will be made a lot quicker, our tummies will be
filled faster, and our days will be a lot more fun!

20. Don’t be afraid to talk things out with us. We really do want to know how you are feeling and
what is going on in your head. It also gives us an opportunity to tell you what’s going on in ours.
It’s okay to have discussions about things and if it’s done in the right way it can really help us
become stronger and more confident in our relationship.

21. We realize that we can be a bit crazy and difficult to understand. We apologize in advance for
this and we thank you for being willing to put up with us. We know we can be a lot to handle,
but we promise we are worth it!

Please understand that this is how most girls are. Hopefully this provides a little bit of perspective to help you guys understand it. We don't need to be understood perfectly, we just need to know that you really are trying, and that is good enough for us!

-b

Please, Know the "No"

Female friend: "So I gave him my number and..."
Me: "What?? But you just said he was a creep and super awkward!"
Her: "Yeah, but I couldn't just say no.. It was weird.. So I just haven't texted him back or anything, or I just say I'm busy or something."

Ladies, girls, women, i.e. anyone who does this, this has to stop. Please. Do us all a favor.

This may be a surprise to some of you, but girls and guys communicate differently. I actually really hope that's not a surprise to anyone.

Thoughts
To this day, and forever, female communication will remain a mystery to me. I've thought about it, observed it in action, heard girls talk about it, but I don't "get" it. It's like explaining being able to "see" something to a man born blind. I've heard all the lingo, and I can even explain the concept to other guys when they're confused, but it doesn't mean I'm able to replicate it.

However, despite my shortcomings, I'll do my best.

How do you even see what's in them all??

Girls minds are like computers with 2,000 tabs open all the time.

Boys minds are like 1st generation iPhones, no multitasking. Whatever's on the screen at the time is what's happening. This is why boys "zone out." We switched applications in our brain and consequently everything else off turned off. Now I'm talking in general here, I know there are some exceptions, but communication happens much the same way.

Communication Differences
Boys: We are very to-the-point. Even passive-aggressive guys will say and do things in a very straightforward manner. You girls may disagree and say you can't read us, but that's because of gender-based communication differences. Boy-to-boy communication is generally simple.

Now girls; I don't know how, and believe me I've tried, but girls can look at each other and a thousand messages can be sent without either of them opening their mouths. This happens frequently between friends, but these messages can also be exchanged with enemies and total strangers on occasion.

Girls also communicate with body language, spoken words, and voice inflection. Now boys do these things too, but for girls it's on a whole different level. There are meta-messages, inferences, deductions, implications, and a whole slew of "unspoken messages."

You know this is true. Let's take an example of how girls and boys would handle a situation differently. For each of these situations I'll use girl interacting with girl and boy with boy. You will see why in a minute.

Smile in the front, death in the eyes.

Situation #1
You see someone whom you strongly dislike about to pass you in the hall.

Girls: Fake smile. "Hey!" Similar fake smile from the other girl. "Oh hey!"
"How are you?"
"So good! You?"
"Doing well!"
Fake smiles are again exchanged which quickly goes to a scowl as soon as the situation is passed.

Boys: Scowls are exchanged as he walks past. Nothing is said.

Situation #2
You work as a supervisor and you are letting one of your employees go because of behavioral reasons. They don't work well with their coworkers.

Girls will generally be as chipper as possible, and with as much empathy as possible talk to the girl emphasizing her strengths and building her up before telling her the news as gently as possible.

Ex. You're a great employee because of ABC (insert compliments here), there have been a few little problems with Tiffany, and I know that it's partially her fault, and you guys just don't get along very well, and I totally get that cause Tiff is *blablabla*, I'm so sorry but we're gonna have to let you go just for this one thing and just cause Tiff has been here longer otherwise it might've been the other way around cause you're great, but you've been so helpful and we think you're a great person, you have all these skills and abilities that will make you a valuable employee in another company, I'm sure you'll even be more happy in another work environment, we'll miss you and your contributions here. etc. etc. etc.

Boys: "You know why you're here. You and Tony have been going at it again. You know we can't have that and he's been here longer so we're gonna let you go. Good luck out there."

Cross-Communication
I'm going to get much more specific here and talk about dating. Saying no to a first date, breaking up, and a few other tips. Maybe another day we can talk more about communication and why it so obviously is not working like it should.

Generally when we're dating we try and treat people kindly, express love, address issues, etc. The problem here is that we do all of this through our own paradigm. Girls express love differently than guys do. This is where love languages come into play as well.

Let's say that a certain guy has been talking and flirting with a girl and would now like to get her number. He asks for it and she gives it to him. To the guy this means that she's at least interested enough to continue to get to know him better and possibly go on a date. Now look back at the conversation at the beginning of this post. Maybe that's how it was for the girl.

She didn't know how to say no. She treated him as if he was a girl. She wasn't confrontational, she wasn't straightforward, she depended on him to pick up on subtle clues that things were not going well, he obviously missed those. So now he has the number of a girl whom he thinks is interested and she's not. He texts her, no response, no response, no response.

That is messed up. It bothers her, it bugs him, and it wastes everybody's time and energy. For a girl to give her number to a guy with no intention of ever texting him is kind of deceitful. It's a form of leading him on and giving him a false impression.

Now, less it be misconstrued let me provide the disclaimer that this has never happened to me personally. I have never had a girl give me her number and then not text me. In some minds this would automatically disqualify me from writing about the topic. But I believe this provides me the unique opportunity to write from both sides of the situation. So let it be clear, I base what I will say in the personal experiences of friends, of both genders, and not in personal experience in this specific situation.

Saying no, and taking no
For those girls out there let me give a tentative suggestion on how to say "no" to those unfortunate boys who are not picking up on all the signals you're giving him that you're not interested.
Guy: "Hey could I get your number?"
Girl: "I'm really flattered you would ask, and it was nice getting to know you, I just didn't feel that kind of connection; and I don't want to lead you on or anything like that. So maybe we can just be friends?"

Alright girls. That sounds very straightforward doesn't it? That's cause it is! And if the guy you're
talking to has any kind of spine then he will greatly appreciate your honesty and self-confidence!

This is a spine. If you don't have one
I would highly recommend getting one.

Because that's really what it is. You're saying "I respect you enough to be honest with you, and I respect myself enough to tell you so." That's a total turn-on for other guys that you really do want to date! That self-confidence and honesty is awesome!

Dear men, If a girl is honest enough with you to tell you she's not interested then leave her alone. I know a few guys out there who take a girl's "no" as "yes." I know there is good reason for this, it's because popular culture has taught you that women are confusing. Which they are. But not as confusing as you hopelessly assume. Give them the same courtesy you want to be given. Trust their honesty. What about this situation?
"Hey could I get your number?"
"Oh you know I'm just not interested in you like that..."
"Oh relax I just wanted to be friends! Is that alright?"
Boys, this is a cop-out. You know full well that 99.8% of the time that you ask for a girls number you're interested in her and pulling the "Oh I just want to be friends" card is your way of being a wuss, acting like it's now all her fault for assuming interest where there was none and then you still get her number. This leaves you empowered as you now have her number and are free to pursue her, but she isn't allowed to think there's interest there because you told her there wasn't.

Don't go there guys. That's spineless. If you really are just wanting to be friends then great! It works for everyone. But if you try to pursue a relationship right after telling the girl that your intent was just to be friends then you lied to her. Given, a friendship can develop into a relationship, but spend a lot of time developing that friendship before you think about making it something more.

If she says no, take it as no. be a man, and go pursue someone else. Guilt tripping, stalking, tricking, etc. are all equally "sad." I really hope these guys are in the small minority, but I've been hearing enough about it to think it happens more than we realize.

Update: Women, after receiving a significant amount of feedback from numerous sources I am realizing that the problem of having the guy continue to pursue you, even after telling him no very clearly, is a much more widespread and frequent occurrence than I had originally thought (hence the above added paragraph). I am really am so sorry you have to deal with these kinds of guys. There is really no excuse at all for that unique brand of blind, oblivious, self-imposed ignorance. I have invited a female colleague of mine (who actually was/is quite critical of this post) to write an article on this topic from the her perspective. Keep checking, her post will be out within the week.

Ok ladies, what if you say no, but you do throw in some coddling. You know, like "I'm sure you're a great guy and all, you're just not my type, it's not you it's just me, I feel so bad about this, I'm so sorry, please don't hate me, there are tons of girls out there, you'll find your one eventually, etc, etc, etc." That is awful for a guy to get. You're treating him like a child who needs a hug and not like a man.

Now every one of those comments you want to say may be true, but don't say them! You want to because that is what you would like as a girl. If you were in his shoes you would want that reassurance and those confidence builders! But for guys that's just sticking more knives in the wound. It's the simple matter of how guys and girls think and communicate differently.

If you do say all those "comforting" things to the guy then here's what's going through his mind: "Oh just stop and let me walk away from this like a man. I'm not 6 anymore." Really. You'll just make it worse.

This beating around the bush nonsense has got to stop. Tell him straight. Let him go.

When To Say No
There are girls who can't say no, and there are also girls who don't say yes. Here are my general rules:

When to say no to giving a guy your number:
- If you don't feel safe around him.
- If you have no plans to actually carry on a conversation.

When to say no to a date.
- If you don't feel safe with him.
- If you've already had a date or two and you're not interested in him. (You can go on dates "just for fun," but let the guy know that you see the two of you as "just friends." Believe me, it'll be better in the long run.)
- If you're 3000% percent sure you're not interested. I say 3000% because guys can surprise you. if you give him a chance. There are, however, those guys whom you are 3000% sure you'd never be attracted to in that way. Make darn sure there's no chance in a million that you could even be good friends, but there's no reason to go out with someone you know it won't work with. Frankly, I don't believe in the "give every guy at least one date" plan. Someone you didn't think you'd click with can suddenly be your best friend.

Breaking Up
For tips on breaking up see Breakup Tips.

It Takes Two
Any sort of communication mishap takes two people at the very least. Instead of girls just learning how to be honest and straightforward how 'bout if I just write a blog post to help guys interpret girls? Well, I've thought about it. Unfortunately the amount of material that would need to be covered would fill the requirements for a major college degree.

Haha, how would that conversation go? "Hi, I majored in Female Communications!" "Oh I've heard that's a tough major, which class was the hardest?" "Eye-language for sure. For the final a random girl looks into your eyes for 30 seconds and then you have to write her biography." "Wow, rough man."

Now, boys should make more of an effort to understand women in general. Ignorance is not bliss and guys could learn a lot from the subtle details within a woman's communication skill-set. (Hopefully the upcoming article will be able to go into more detail on this particular topic.) All the way around, being honest and straightforward is really the best solution with much longer lasting benefits. After all, isn't honesty the best policy? That's what God said at least.

Also, realize that there is a lot of cross-contamination here. Some guys can think and communicate more like girls. Some girls are much more like men with how they communicate. It's nigh to impossible to fashion a statement that will fall true in every circumstance. The best thing to do is evaluate your own method of communication and make honesty and self-confidence your friends.

Conclusion
There's tons of stuff we could talk about with the differences in communication between men and women, but, when in doubt, honesty has no replacement.

Breakup Tips

Breaking Up
This is a simple matter of again applying what we know about how girls and guys think. Every situation is different, adapt these suggestions as each applies.

Girl breaking up with guy:
Be straightforward and to the point. If possible have specific instances and situations that highlight the reasons for the breakup. Don't say too much. Say what you're there to say. Be tactful, but don't "coddle."

Guy breaking up with girl:
Girls also want to hear about breakups in a straightforward manner, but not nearly as straightforward as a guy would. Tell her you need to break up, but then cushion the blow with compliments. Tell her what she does well, why you're breaking up with her, how awesome she is, how much your relationship meant to you, etc.

Girl being broken up with:
Make him tell you specifically why he is breaking up with you. It will be hard to hear those from him, but it will leave you with less doubts about yourself and your past-relationship. On occasion a compromise can be figured out right then and there and save the relationship, but sometimes he just needs time. Hearing specifically why he's breaking things off will tell you 1) If he's just a tool. 2) If there are things that you might need to change about yourself (no one's perfect, get used to it). 3) If he might just need time. Sometimes, usually after a few breakups and getbacktogethers, you need to give an ultimatum "If you choose to end things with me then don't come back. I don't need the emotional rollercoaster of what we've had in the past. Either we're going to make things work, or not." Then stick to it!

Guy being broken up with:
When you've decided to break up with a girl usually not much changes that decision. When a girl decides to break up then there were a lot more factors that went into that decision. A big one is usually your commitment to the relationship. A natural instinct for guys while being broken up with is to just "take it like a man" and walk away. This isn't what she wants to see. To her that just looks like you really don't care about the relationship. Men, if you care enough about a girl to make her want to keep a relationship with you then you must open up to her. Throw your "manly pride" aside and tell her what she means to you, commit to work on things, listen to her feelings and honestly try to empathize. Guys have feelings too you know. This might just save your relationship.

Good luck friends.

Andrew

The "good guys" have all flown to Neverland. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

Good Guys
"Where did all the good guys go?" I've heard this phrase from a number of female friends lately and it's begun to frustrate me.

You're the last good man Sam. May you breed
many more like yourself.

As if all the good men in the world suddenly boarded a boat, Lord of the Rings style, and sailed off into the sunset leaving behind a few Hobbits as well as all the jerks, tools, and creepers?

Or perhaps the good guys just died off like an exotic breed of bird.

Better yet, there might be a government project in area 51 where they're sending all the good guys as ambassadors to other planets. I mean, we obviously wouldn't want to send the guys most of you are dating currently. We'd be in intergalactic war within the week. Hahaha, but seriously.

So then what happened to all of those "good guys?" I have a few ideas. Here's one though. There were never any good guys.

Not until you created them at least.

The creation of..
In case you are unaware, before men are men they are teenagers. Before tenagers are teenagers they are boys. Boys are boys. I sincerely hope this isn't new news to anyone. Boys -> Teens -> Men. Got it? Now that we've got the basics lets talk through it.

Each of these levels of "manhood" are reached physically without trying. The body naturally grows larger and ages as time passes. Emotionally, however, this growth happens because of expectations and teaching. A child will behave forever as a child until it is taught differently. It will not learn to crawl if we insist on carrying it everywhere. It will not learn to tie its shoes if we always tie them.

I said that there were never any "good guys" until they were created. I mean this. Boys will act like boys until an expectation is placed for them to be more. Good men are created because a boy had someone who expected more of him.

Now lets apply this to dating, courting, and relationships.

Chivalry went with your expectations. 
Dear women of the world, you are far more powerful than you realize. That's the big secret that shouldn't be a secret! Your influence and your expectations have much more impact on the men you date than you give yourselves credit for!

If you want to be treated like a lady then 1) act like a lady, and 2) don't let yourself be treated less. If

This is a great movie.

he is any sort of a decent chap then he will respond to that! I took a girl out once that stood next to my car until I walked around and opened the door for her. You know what? You'd better believe I opened every door for that girl for the rest of the night. And I was very impressed with her! She acted like a lady, she let me know politely that she expected to be treated like one, and I was happy to be out with such an impressive girl.

If you date a jerk, either have a plan to help him out or expect to be treated like a jerk. Oh and here's a tip for you. If he's a jerk to everyone except you, brace yourself. Two-faced people eventually start mixing faces. If you say to a friend "Well he doesn't do that to me" or "he doesn't treat me like that" and your friend responds with something like "well that's cause he likes you" then you'd better watch yourself in that relationship, cause no relationship is perfect forever and when the two of you hit a little bump on the road of life you'd better be prepared to be treated the same way he's been treating everyone else.

I've seen girls date a complete tool and say "well I can change him." Hun that's like 1 out of 1,000. Most of the time the girl turns into a tool too or she eventually dumps him. Gosh, the best thing that can be done for that guy is not date him in the first place and tell him you won't date a guy like him. Now THAT'll make him think, and probably make him change pretty fast. Albeit make sure it's a genuine change too, because men can turn into award-winning actors to get what they want sometimes.

Basically
If what you want truly want is a "good guy" then bring up your expectations. Haha, don't go overboard with it, but you have the power to change a lot.

Andrew