Please, Know the "No"

Female friend: "So I gave him my number and..."
Me: "What?? But you just said he was a creep and super awkward!"
Her: "Yeah, but I couldn't just say no.. It was weird.. So I just haven't texted him back or anything, or I just say I'm busy or something."

Ladies, girls, women, i.e. anyone who does this, this has to stop. Please. Do us all a favor.

This may be a surprise to some of you, but girls and guys communicate differently. I actually really hope that's not a surprise to anyone.

Thoughts
To this day, and forever, female communication will remain a mystery to me. I've thought about it, observed it in action, heard girls talk about it, but I don't "get" it. It's like explaining being able to "see" something to a man born blind. I've heard all the lingo, and I can even explain the concept to other guys when they're confused, but it doesn't mean I'm able to replicate it.

However, despite my shortcomings, I'll do my best.

How do you even see what's in them all??

Girls minds are like computers with 2,000 tabs open all the time.

Boys minds are like 1st generation iPhones, no multitasking. Whatever's on the screen at the time is what's happening. This is why boys "zone out." We switched applications in our brain and consequently everything else off turned off. Now I'm talking in general here, I know there are some exceptions, but communication happens much the same way.

Communication Differences
Boys: We are very to-the-point. Even passive-aggressive guys will say and do things in a very straightforward manner. You girls may disagree and say you can't read us, but that's because of gender-based communication differences. Boy-to-boy communication is generally simple.

Now girls; I don't know how, and believe me I've tried, but girls can look at each other and a thousand messages can be sent without either of them opening their mouths. This happens frequently between friends, but these messages can also be exchanged with enemies and total strangers on occasion.

Girls also communicate with body language, spoken words, and voice inflection. Now boys do these things too, but for girls it's on a whole different level. There are meta-messages, inferences, deductions, implications, and a whole slew of "unspoken messages."

You know this is true. Let's take an example of how girls and boys would handle a situation differently. For each of these situations I'll use girl interacting with girl and boy with boy. You will see why in a minute.

Smile in the front, death in the eyes.

Situation #1
You see someone whom you strongly dislike about to pass you in the hall.

Girls: Fake smile. "Hey!" Similar fake smile from the other girl. "Oh hey!"
"How are you?"
"So good! You?"
"Doing well!"
Fake smiles are again exchanged which quickly goes to a scowl as soon as the situation is passed.

Boys: Scowls are exchanged as he walks past. Nothing is said.

Situation #2
You work as a supervisor and you are letting one of your employees go because of behavioral reasons. They don't work well with their coworkers.

Girls will generally be as chipper as possible, and with as much empathy as possible talk to the girl emphasizing her strengths and building her up before telling her the news as gently as possible.

Ex. You're a great employee because of ABC (insert compliments here), there have been a few little problems with Tiffany, and I know that it's partially her fault, and you guys just don't get along very well, and I totally get that cause Tiff is *blablabla*, I'm so sorry but we're gonna have to let you go just for this one thing and just cause Tiff has been here longer otherwise it might've been the other way around cause you're great, but you've been so helpful and we think you're a great person, you have all these skills and abilities that will make you a valuable employee in another company, I'm sure you'll even be more happy in another work environment, we'll miss you and your contributions here. etc. etc. etc.

Boys: "You know why you're here. You and Tony have been going at it again. You know we can't have that and he's been here longer so we're gonna let you go. Good luck out there."

Cross-Communication
I'm going to get much more specific here and talk about dating. Saying no to a first date, breaking up, and a few other tips. Maybe another day we can talk more about communication and why it so obviously is not working like it should.

Generally when we're dating we try and treat people kindly, express love, address issues, etc. The problem here is that we do all of this through our own paradigm. Girls express love differently than guys do. This is where love languages come into play as well.

Let's say that a certain guy has been talking and flirting with a girl and would now like to get her number. He asks for it and she gives it to him. To the guy this means that she's at least interested enough to continue to get to know him better and possibly go on a date. Now look back at the conversation at the beginning of this post. Maybe that's how it was for the girl.

She didn't know how to say no. She treated him as if he was a girl. She wasn't confrontational, she wasn't straightforward, she depended on him to pick up on subtle clues that things were not going well, he obviously missed those. So now he has the number of a girl whom he thinks is interested and she's not. He texts her, no response, no response, no response.

That is messed up. It bothers her, it bugs him, and it wastes everybody's time and energy. For a girl to give her number to a guy with no intention of ever texting him is kind of deceitful. It's a form of leading him on and giving him a false impression.

Now, less it be misconstrued let me provide the disclaimer that this has never happened to me personally. I have never had a girl give me her number and then not text me. In some minds this would automatically disqualify me from writing about the topic. But I believe this provides me the unique opportunity to write from both sides of the situation. So let it be clear, I base what I will say in the personal experiences of friends, of both genders, and not in personal experience in this specific situation.

Saying no, and taking no
For those girls out there let me give a tentative suggestion on how to say "no" to those unfortunate boys who are not picking up on all the signals you're giving him that you're not interested.
Guy: "Hey could I get your number?"
Girl: "I'm really flattered you would ask, and it was nice getting to know you, I just didn't feel that kind of connection; and I don't want to lead you on or anything like that. So maybe we can just be friends?"

Alright girls. That sounds very straightforward doesn't it? That's cause it is! And if the guy you're
talking to has any kind of spine then he will greatly appreciate your honesty and self-confidence!

This is a spine. If you don't have one
I would highly recommend getting one.

Because that's really what it is. You're saying "I respect you enough to be honest with you, and I respect myself enough to tell you so." That's a total turn-on for other guys that you really do want to date! That self-confidence and honesty is awesome!

Dear men, If a girl is honest enough with you to tell you she's not interested then leave her alone. I know a few guys out there who take a girl's "no" as "yes." I know there is good reason for this, it's because popular culture has taught you that women are confusing. Which they are. But not as confusing as you hopelessly assume. Give them the same courtesy you want to be given. Trust their honesty. What about this situation?
"Hey could I get your number?"
"Oh you know I'm just not interested in you like that..."
"Oh relax I just wanted to be friends! Is that alright?"
Boys, this is a cop-out. You know full well that 99.8% of the time that you ask for a girls number you're interested in her and pulling the "Oh I just want to be friends" card is your way of being a wuss, acting like it's now all her fault for assuming interest where there was none and then you still get her number. This leaves you empowered as you now have her number and are free to pursue her, but she isn't allowed to think there's interest there because you told her there wasn't.

Don't go there guys. That's spineless. If you really are just wanting to be friends then great! It works for everyone. But if you try to pursue a relationship right after telling the girl that your intent was just to be friends then you lied to her. Given, a friendship can develop into a relationship, but spend a lot of time developing that friendship before you think about making it something more.

If she says no, take it as no. be a man, and go pursue someone else. Guilt tripping, stalking, tricking, etc. are all equally "sad." I really hope these guys are in the small minority, but I've been hearing enough about it to think it happens more than we realize.

Update: Women, after receiving a significant amount of feedback from numerous sources I am realizing that the problem of having the guy continue to pursue you, even after telling him no very clearly, is a much more widespread and frequent occurrence than I had originally thought (hence the above added paragraph). I am really am so sorry you have to deal with these kinds of guys. There is really no excuse at all for that unique brand of blind, oblivious, self-imposed ignorance. I have invited a female colleague of mine (who actually was/is quite critical of this post) to write an article on this topic from the her perspective. Keep checking, her post will be out within the week.

Ok ladies, what if you say no, but you do throw in some coddling. You know, like "I'm sure you're a great guy and all, you're just not my type, it's not you it's just me, I feel so bad about this, I'm so sorry, please don't hate me, there are tons of girls out there, you'll find your one eventually, etc, etc, etc." That is awful for a guy to get. You're treating him like a child who needs a hug and not like a man.

Now every one of those comments you want to say may be true, but don't say them! You want to because that is what you would like as a girl. If you were in his shoes you would want that reassurance and those confidence builders! But for guys that's just sticking more knives in the wound. It's the simple matter of how guys and girls think and communicate differently.

If you do say all those "comforting" things to the guy then here's what's going through his mind: "Oh just stop and let me walk away from this like a man. I'm not 6 anymore." Really. You'll just make it worse.

This beating around the bush nonsense has got to stop. Tell him straight. Let him go.

When To Say No
There are girls who can't say no, and there are also girls who don't say yes. Here are my general rules:

When to say no to giving a guy your number:
- If you don't feel safe around him.
- If you have no plans to actually carry on a conversation.

When to say no to a date.
- If you don't feel safe with him.
- If you've already had a date or two and you're not interested in him. (You can go on dates "just for fun," but let the guy know that you see the two of you as "just friends." Believe me, it'll be better in the long run.)
- If you're 3000% percent sure you're not interested. I say 3000% because guys can surprise you. if you give him a chance. There are, however, those guys whom you are 3000% sure you'd never be attracted to in that way. Make darn sure there's no chance in a million that you could even be good friends, but there's no reason to go out with someone you know it won't work with. Frankly, I don't believe in the "give every guy at least one date" plan. Someone you didn't think you'd click with can suddenly be your best friend.

Breaking Up
For tips on breaking up see Breakup Tips.

It Takes Two
Any sort of communication mishap takes two people at the very least. Instead of girls just learning how to be honest and straightforward how 'bout if I just write a blog post to help guys interpret girls? Well, I've thought about it. Unfortunately the amount of material that would need to be covered would fill the requirements for a major college degree.

Haha, how would that conversation go? "Hi, I majored in Female Communications!" "Oh I've heard that's a tough major, which class was the hardest?" "Eye-language for sure. For the final a random girl looks into your eyes for 30 seconds and then you have to write her biography." "Wow, rough man."

Now, boys should make more of an effort to understand women in general. Ignorance is not bliss and guys could learn a lot from the subtle details within a woman's communication skill-set. (Hopefully the upcoming article will be able to go into more detail on this particular topic.) All the way around, being honest and straightforward is really the best solution with much longer lasting benefits. After all, isn't honesty the best policy? That's what God said at least.

Also, realize that there is a lot of cross-contamination here. Some guys can think and communicate more like girls. Some girls are much more like men with how they communicate. It's nigh to impossible to fashion a statement that will fall true in every circumstance. The best thing to do is evaluate your own method of communication and make honesty and self-confidence your friends.

Conclusion
There's tons of stuff we could talk about with the differences in communication between men and women, but, when in doubt, honesty has no replacement.